dear jennalise & paul,

please post those amazing articles you are finding about our favorite children!

thanks & merry christmas,

lindsey

it is christmas eve & i am jewish

MEANING ... i'm trolling the internet while eating chinese food.
and this is fortunate for you (reader, i.e. jenna/paul) because lookie what i found:



APPARENTLY blogger user optimisto has provided a picture of the purchase of A HANDCRAFTED JARED-MADE BONANZA CITY NECKLACE. when the episode aired with jared making and selling these necklaces, i could only dream of how i could get my hands on one and how much i would actually pay (let's just say, it would be more than $177... which was the winning bid.) so WHO put one of these priceless heirlooms on the web and why wasn't i informed? also, how can we prove it's authenticity? i would almost like it to be fake because that means there is someone out there MAKING fake jared bonanza necklaces. if optimisto by chance finds this post can he PLEASE send me some more information on his purchase.

ps who is selling this message, like jared's dad? his agent? his public representation? where can i find this person?!

please, cbs?

forget that lame reunion post i posted about 5 minutes ago! let's reminisce on the good times. by the looks of the writer's strike, CBS is gonna need some new reality programming... what do you say cbs? give jared his own show! look at this untapped talent:




a shot of love with jared?
the life of a child pimp?
i want candy: jared's story
or
just get him to perform shakespeare for a tv special,
COME ON!

reunion?

a few things worth noticing:
laurel's different outfit (nice pantsuit!)
zach (in general)
how weird it is seeing these kids not all dirty and gross in the same clothes they wore the whole time
where's greg?

the end.

Kid Nation Romance?

The one thing that Kid Nation was lacking was ROMANCE. Seriously, when a bunch of 12-15 year olds are stuck together in a desert, obviously there's gonna be some macking. If all the stories I heard about summer camp are true, then at least Migle must have gotten some.

Likely and possible couples:
Michael & Sophia
Migle & Greg
Migle & Blaine
Natasha & Greg
Natasha & Blaine
Greg & Blaine
Laurel & Blaine
Greg & Maggie (the goth chick we saw twice)
DK & Laurel (kidding)

Unlikely couples:
Olivia & Anjay
Migle & Alex
Jared & anyone

What do you guys think?

Season finale

I cannot fully express my disappointment for Kid Nation's season finale. The only freeze-frame worthy scene was Jared making his parents do sake bombs or whatever they do in that "saloon." Jared's mom was fat and his dad was a bro, so that was cool. I was happy when Zach got the first gold star, even though it was annoying to have to watch him cry again. It was also annoying to hear everyone saying how they're going to miss the other kids so much, these kids are like my brothers and sisters, this really proved that kids can be independent...seriously, DK, shut up.

Also, WAY too much Jonathan Karsh in this episode. This show is KID Nation, not Jonathan Nation. Zing.

So they had 3 $50,000 gold stars at the end, and the dumb council gets to choose who gets them. So really, no one in the council could win one of the gold stars, which sucked because I think Michael was the most deserving. So the gold stars went to:

1) Sophia. DUH Sophia deserved it, she does all the work and was by far the most mature person on the show. Also her psychological experiments really did a lot for science. Team Sophia!

2) Morgan. Whaaaaaaaaat??????????? Seriously? Ok, Morgan already got ONE gold star for no reason, now she has a total of $70,000? Of course, she did her hands-over-the-face-excited-crying thing that she always does. How dumb.

3) Migle. Ok, I guess that Migle's agent somehow convinced the producers to give her some more screen time so that she could get her acting career started (look up Migle on IMDB), so by the end of the series we started to see her emerge from her Paris-and-Nicole shell and suddenly everyone had good things to say about her. She prevented Emilie & Kelsey from almost killing each other (more on this later). But clearly, what should have happened here is SHE should have gotten the first gold star, and Zach should have gotten one of the $50,000 stars. That is, if they really felt like they had to give Migle anything.

Ok so there were 13 $20,000 gold stars altogether, and 3 $50,000. If we could go back and give 13 gold stars to really deserving people and 3 big ones to really deserving people, here's what should have happened:

The 13 gold stars would have gone to DK, Alex, Hunter, Nathan, Zach, Mallory, Anjay, Mike, Migle, Sophia, Jared, Morgan (I know I said she got it for no reason but I guess she was nice, and I'm looking at the list of all the kids and there isn't really anyone better), and Greg (as much as I don't want to do it....Greg HAS been a strong leader and there's no denying it). I have to say I think it's pretty dumb that Anjay never won a gold star. Even though he fucked up sometimes, he was generally a really good kid and worked hard while he was on council, and he put up with Olivia's cuntface more than anyone else could have dealt with.

The 3 big ones would have gone to: Laurel, Michael, Sophia. This would make Sophia the richest pioneer.

By far the funniest scene was the one with Kelsey and Emilie fighting. Those bitches, not letting Emilie sleep with the chickens. And I have to say, Leila is more of a little twat than I realized. She and Taylor belong together. It actually reminded me of this time when I was like 13 and my cousins slept over and I wanted to hang out with my cool cousin and my sister wanted to sleep with us and we told her no because she was only like 8 and we wanted to talk about boys and she cried. It's basically the same thing. Luckily, Migle came to the rescue and told Emilie to leave the other girls alone. Good job, Migle.

My favorite was Kelsey going, "No Emilie listen, we all love you soooo much, andyou're, like, totally our best friend forever, but...we just hate you and don't want your smelly fat body anywhere near our bunks BYE!!!!"

Yeah but otherwise it was kind of cool to see all the kids' trashy moms. And that's really it.

Exploitation shmexploitation

Ok so I'm supposed to be doing work on this Friday night in December but I was too distracted by thoughts of Bonanza. I was thinking about how there were all these claims of child exploitation inherent in this show. Well let me say I agree with the claim! But not for the reasons you might think. None of the kids we know and love/hate have been exploited (see: Taylor, Jared, Alex, and a few others). The lame-o kids who serve as PLOT devices are the kids being exploited.

In scripted shows, guest stars can be brought up to shake things up. Some classic examples of this might be Elizabeth Mitchell on "ER" turning Dr. Weaver into a lesbian, Mary-Louise Parker on "The West Wing," or like Bruce Willis on "Friends." Of course viewers REJECT these stunts when they are simply insults to our intelligence. Two examples come to mind: first when we were lead to believe that Paolo and Nikki were on the "Lost" island the entire time, and the inclusion of oil-crying wonder-twins on "Heroes."

What producers of "Kid Nation" realized was that if they had 40 kids they could simply insert lame kid #1 to help further the plot. As the season (series?) draws to a close, let's take a look back on some of the more memorable kids-as-plot-devices:

• Kennedy: Probably the scariest plot device of the season: Kennedy. She took it upon herself to show the other children the skills she learned in Special Ed. in a talent show that somehow convinced the porky, plucky Savannah not to leave. I mean, I know Savannah and Kennedy are from the same red state but who cares? Maybe they are most likely to be friends after the show is over. I guess that's highly possible as they're kind of social misfits. Aside from being mortified during Kennedy's "performance," she suddenly became relevant when she called her mom. Cell. Phone. Charm.
  
• Hunter: If he were an ice cream fstore, he would be Tasti D-Lite. This boy has no flavor. His biggest personality "trait" would be his loyalty to his dad? Pretty damn boring. I'm not sure what producers were trying to teach us in featuring this kid at all.
  
• Randi: She was not featured in that episode to show herself. She was featured to show us how her leaving would affect our beloved Taylor. When Randi leaves, Taylor wails, "She was like a sister to me!" In subsequent episodes she uses Randi's departure as an excuse for either doing something or not doing it. Now, I don't remember seeing this girl ever before the episode in which she left. If anyone is Taylor's sister it would be sidekick Leila and possibly adopted sister from the Orient, Kelsey.
  
• Cody: Let's stop kidding ourselves, Cody left the show because he has a serious addiction to..."root beer." After crying over his girlfriend who he had been going out with for a pretty long time (I guess? In proportion to how long he's been on earth?) he drowns his sorrows at the saloon. I don't know if this is something he saw in movies but I found it pretty disturbing that he turned to drink as soon as depression sunk in. The producers wanted to enlighten us not to how kids are people too but how kids are ALCOHOLICS too.
  
• Divad: In this multi-episode arc (maybe 2 episodes), Divad stars as a politician. First she sells free goods. I'll give the kid some credit because, let's face it, the profit she's making is unbelievable. Unlike Jared's business where he does work, Divad offers the kids the chance to put apples on a stick. If that's not one of the laziest ways to sell a free product then I don't know what is. She channeled her warped entrepreneurial skills into running for Gold-Star winner. If she really cared about changing this town we would see her front and center during challenges. Hell, she's in the RED district. She could have easily won against any of the red town council members save for DK. No, she'd rather walk away with $20,000 in gold, literally. She actually campaigned for it. This was to teach kids a lesson, I think, about not doing things for selfish reasons? Maybe I missed the lesson but I'm sure it will be written in a future past Pioneer Journal.
  
• Morgan: I don't even want to write about this. She just loves religion. 'Nuff said.
  

I'm having a Kid Nation hangover.

The minute Kid Nation started last night I knew it was going to be an amazing episode.

Why?

"Where is Bonanza, Dude?"

THAT TITLE - it is just so good. It's like "Dude, Where's my Car?" and "Where is my Mind?" went and had a fucked up baby that is Kid Nation this week. And to top it off (I was waiting all episode) I was thrilled to see that this quotation originated from the one-and-only GREG (EDIT: Blaine, Thanks Jenna) - everyone's favorite bully (EDIT: idiot). Greg and the rest of the boys club that is this the Town Council were off to pay a visit to a bunch of actors playing Native Americans (These kids are FIFTEEN; are you going to tell me they buy this shit - what, do they still believe in Santa Claus, too?)

ANYHOW - until my screencaps are ready, this is one of the many reasons why this episode remains one of my all-time favorites.

Not to mention how good Michael looked...Um, nevermind.

&
Of course:

Highlights Part...What comes after 1?

I definitely agree with Jennalise's notable moments. However there were a few that stuck out for me as well (in no order).

• "The pelvis has left the building." - Jared
• Blaine thinking that teepees were igloos. Sorry Blaine but igloos are made out of ICE and probably would MELT in New Mexico at some point.
• The return of Olivia's cuntface. She was nowhere to be seen last week but she came back with eye-rolling, hideous faces.
• Guylan finally getting a chance to prove he lived at zooS (plural).
• Jonathan Karsh giving a shout-out to Migle during the challenge. I was convinced she was getting the gold star. I mean look at the episode that Kennedy wins the gold star. This girl had never been mentioned or seen before but then all of the sudden her freakshow performance garners her $20,000 LITERALLY.
• When Emilie said something about Sophia being power hungry, I could only think of Emilie being regular hungry...like all the time...like she ate the pies during the communication challenge.
• Could the Taylor-Sophia gab sesh have been any more staged. Let's not forget that Sophia was always the first person to point out Taylor's flaws. Remember "y'all need to stop criticizing on me" or some such babble.
• Someone asked Pharaoh to help during the challenge and I thought of the Hebrews wanting to be let go in biblical times.
• How sad was it when Jared said how Alex is the type of person he wants to be best friends or brothers with??
• Choosing the hot-air balloon rides. Was there any other choice?

I guess this post was just a paradox.

Last Night's Episode: Highlights

Here are some of my favorite moments from last night's episode of KID NATION:

1. The Native Americans. Seriously, who hired those dudes? How did Greg laugh while Zach nominated himself for the gold star but somehow manage to keep a straight face among encountering these friendly Native Americans?

2. Every second of Sophia being the sheriff. At first, I was skeptical, because I love Sophia but I could totally see her GOING MAD WITH POWER! But she did a good job. I know Nathan didn't think so, but Nathan also has a lisp and wears a bomber jacket and likes doing laundry too much to be trusted.

3. Alex's phone call to his adorable interracial parents. "OHMIGOSH, MOM!"

4. Jared and Alex.

5. Jared and Alex finding those, like, dinosaur bones...who put those there? Are they the same people who hired the "Native Americans?" Bonanza City is so disappointingly manufactured, you guys. I so wish it were real.

6. TAYLOR petitioning herself to the gold star. There were many funny things about this. 1) The person she was petitioning TO has no actual say over who gets the gold star. 2) Sophia clearly is never going to put in a good word for TAYLOR. 3) After stating her argument, she said "I hope Greg gets stuck on the mountain and eaten by coyotes." We all do, Taylor. We all do.

7. I know that we already gave the Migle award to Pharoah, and he deserves it after the hay bale thing. However, Migle was like, a totally different person in this episode. Alex, my favorite kid, even nominated her for the gold star! Apparently, she "dramatically improved" throughout the course of the show, going from Nicole of "Paris and Nicole" to a girl with a "really good sense of humor" who "cheers people up." Honestly. HER NAME IS MIGLE

8. KIDS, LEARN A LESSON. NOMINATING YOURSELF FOR THE GOLD STAR NEVER WORKS. It didn't work for Divad, and now it didn't work for Jared or Zach. And you guys, JARED could have used that money to build a teleportation device (DK, I thought you were smarter).

9. Mike made some really good "overly-emphatic Dad facial expressions" in this episode. He is such a dad.

Zach better win the gold star next week. If they gave it to Laurel, they need to give it to Zach. He may be ultra-sensitive and a little bit crazy, but he is TEN YEARS OLD. He still has three more years till he becomes rich with Bar Mitzvah money!! And no one can deny that he worked really hard on and off the council. FUCK Greg for laughing in his face when he nominated himself. Greg, you are a tool and should be voted out of the city, and banished to a cave to spend the rest of your days alone with Olivia and away from our televisions. I'm sure after a few years cooped up in there Olivia would finally agree to take his virginity, although she'd probably just be rolling her eyes the whole time. Can we get a few Olivia eye-rolling screencaps?

THE KID NATION 2007 AWARDS by Paul

*edited with love by Lindsey

• The “huh, maybe I shouldn’t have pulled my kid out of school for a month to be on this show because he’s actually an idiot” award: Blaine

• Most likely to be diagnosed bipolar award: Greg

• Most likely to be prime minister of Israel: Zach

• Best accent: Laurel’s mom

• Most likely to become a pothead: Anjay

• Most Androgynous: Guylan/Markelle

• The “guess how many teeth I have. I’ll give you a hint: it’s below 2” award: Alex

• The George “Dubya” Bush Intellectual Achieve(ment) Award: Kelsey

• Winner of the unsanctioned Pie Eatin' Contest: Emilie

• [Fill in derogatory word for vagina] award: Olivia

• Best/Worst Self-Promoter: Divad

• Most pointless Gold Star winner: Kennedy

• The Migle Award: Pharaoh

*and one for luck:

THE KID NATION 2007 AWARDS

• The “huh, maybe I shouldn’t have pulled my kid out of school for a month to be on this show because he’s actually an idiot” award: Blaine
• Most likely to be diagnosed bipolar award: Greg
• Most likely to be prime minister of Israel: Zach
• Best accent: Laurel’s mom
• Most likely to become a pothead: Anjay
• Most Androgynous: Guylan/Markelle
• The “guess how many teeth I have. I’ll give you a hint: it’s below 2” award: Alex
• The George “Dubya” Bush Intellectual Achieve(ment) Award: Kelsey
• Winner of the unsanctioned Pie Eatin' Contest: Emilie
• [Fill in derogatory word for vagina] award: Olivia
• Best/Worst Self-Promoter: Divad
• Most pointless Gold Star winner: Kennedy
• The Migle Award: Pharaoh
  

Which Native American leader caused PHAROAH to do this?

Answer: Popé

*Also, on a side note, I take EVERYTHING back that I've ever said (publicly and privately) about Pharaoh being a boring disappointment. That is all.

credit for the amazing video goes to molls @ www.mollsshewrote.com - we love you.

Lindsey (21-MA)

Introductions all around. I'm Lindsey and I, too, have a Kid Nation problem. That's why an opportunity to release all of my Kid Nations musings will be greatly welcomed. I also have taken it upon myself to remedy the horrifying lack of Kid Nation screen captures available on the internet.

No worries Pioneers! Just like Sheriff Sophia, I'm up for the task!

TO COME:
incredible moments in Kid Nation history - complete with Taylor facial expressions, Blaine winks, and most importantly, PHAROAH's sexual exploits with a hay bale (you'll see what I mean soon enough).

And I'd like to end with this picture of Taylor (because, for reasons better left unexplained, it's already saved on my Photobucket).


see? she's always been an animal lover!

Welcome

If you are reading this, you have been living in Bonanza City for 33 days. Sophia is now the town sheriff, the council is made up of scary 15-year-old boys, and Taylor has taught us all the wonderful lesson that if you are pretty, you won't get eaten, but if you're a gross color and have lots of fluffy feathers, your life is just not worth living. This blog was started because Paul and I really like to talk about Kid Nation and we realized that once this season ends, we will both have no reason to live, so we'd like to prolong that as much as possible by going back and writing about each episode. This blog will be just like the pioneer journal: same kind of fake 1800's decor, created by interns....I guess that's where the similarities end, because the pioneer journal isn't quite as brutally honest as we will be. For example: Olivia, you're a cunt. Stop being a cunt.

THE KID NATION 2007 AWARDS: COMING NEXT